Like a montage from What Women Want, I’ve been bleaching my hair and brows, had acrylic nails for months and still keep my natural nails polished, and even went to the gym in hidden-wedges on my year long experiment and research into what it is that makes women whine and complain so much- in my experience….I couldn’t tell you. Nothing was as painful, tedious, annoying, or unfair as they are ever claiming, sharing, or informing us men… Ok, maybe waxing yourself with that stupid green “natural” wax is the worst pain you can inflict in the name of beauty, but you need to get the blue stripless euro wax professionally done- that’s your bad. The complaints that are valid: creasing concealer and that most products are not made from a woman’s perspective. Take zippers, for instance- I cannot tell you the value a ring on a zipper gives when you’ve got a new mani! In fact, I feel like most bottles and packaging disregard the delicate condition of a woman’s manicured hands.

   You know you’ve seen that bitch, she’s got chipped nail polish all the way up to her cuticles, girl. But how hard is it to really maintain beauty and an acceptable put-together look? It’s simpler, faster, and way easier than women make it look or sound. Dita Von Teese is one of the rare specimens who never allows herself to be seen with chipped polish, rollers in her hair, or worse- hair dye on her scalp, according to a recent interview with Vogue on her book Your Beauty Mark: the Ultimate Guide to Eccentric Glamour. Throughout my time wearing nail polish, I’ve never allowed myself to rock a chipped mani, and neither should you.

   It is beyond me why women will shave their legs and arm pitts and then act all pompous, as if they are a new species, and as if we can’t see their 5-O’clock shadows.  You’re still a monkey like the rest of us girl…just a buzzed one, get off that high horse Lady Go-diva.

   So now that we all know the truth…please, polish your nails or remove the chipped ruins of the manicure you got three months ago…touch up those roots, and by all means, take a note from Dita and stop sharing the woe that is womanhood with your man and the world.